Being Your Child’s Primary Sexual Educator

Do you want your child to feel valued?  When young children speak, they need to feel listened to really listen to them.

The look on your face and the tone of your voice sends your child powerful messages.

You can tell them, “I am listening.” “You are important.” ” Your opinion counts.”

A child who feels valued expects to be treated with respect.

We directly influence how our children feel about themselves.  We shape their values — how they view themselves and their world.   We have plenty of competition — the media and other young people.  If we want our children to learn our family’s values, we need to talk about them!

It’s a proven fact: young people who talk openly and honestly with their parents, tend to take fewer risks with their lives.   So, it’s worth the effort.

Let’s start with talking about sexual health.  What does it mean to be sexually healthy?

Dr. Barry Zuckerman, Chief of Pediatrics at Boston University School of Medicine: “A sexually healthy child respects him or her self…trusts and can be trusted….and is capable of responsible relationships.”

What more can we want for our children?   This is the basis of a healthy, happy life.

- Being Your Child’s Primary Sexual Educator

- Setting Limits For Safety

- Telling the Truth

- How Babies are Made

- Teachable Moments

- Self-Touching

- Appropriate/Inappropriate Touch

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family health raising healthy kids - wilson

Pam Wilson, MSW

“I went back and talked to my mom about the way she had raised me, and boy, was that eye-opening. I learned a lot about the way she had been raised. It was a very healing experience for us.”

Your children get verbal and non-verbal messages about sexuality from you every day.  So, you are their primary sexuality educator.  The tone of your voice as you respond to their questions, the look on your face as you comment to another adult, even your reaction to something on television gives your child messages about sexuality.

If you want your child to learn that sexuality is a healthy part of life, explore how you feel about it.  You can’t change how you learned about sexuality growing up, but you can be aware of how it influences your communication with your own child.   Parents usually repeat patterns established during their childhood unless they make a conscious effort to change the pattern.  So take time to think about it.

- How did you learn about sexual intercourse?

- How old were you when you learned about sexual intercourse?

- Was sexuality discussed in your home?

- Do you have positive memories about what you learned?

- How do you want your child to learn differently?

It may help to talk with a friend, spouse, partner or even your parent about your sexuality education as a child

Raising healthy kids - Zuckerman

Barry Zuckerman, MD

“During infancy, babies just need an adult to be there to meet their emotional needs and physical needs.   Parents need not worry about spoiling a baby because whatever a baby wants, is what a baby needs.  That differs when they become toddlers ‘cause then babies want everything and you have to set some limits so children can function within those limits.”

Children need limits to be safe.   The key is to keep your child safe without limiting exploration.

For example, you may set a limit that your two-year-old cannot cross the street alone or your six-year-old can’t ride her bike without a helmet.  If you set too many limits, your child may ignore you.  You and your child will both get frustrated!  The limits you set depend on what you consider most important.  If you are consistent, your child is more likely to respond.

All parents can feel overwhelmed by their child’s behavior.  But, if you consistently react in a negative way to your child, you may damage their self-esteem.   When you lose your cool, it is important to reconnect with them.  It may help if you explain why you reacted and assure that you still love them.

- In the video, Amy says her son can’t have hard candies but suggests they see what else Grandma has to eat.  Why is it a good idea to see what other treats Grandma has available?

- What limits did I set for my child today?  Were they important?

- Do I set too many limits?

- What tone of voice did I use to convey the limit?

- Did I check-in to make sure my child understood why I was setting the limit?

- Am I consistent?

- Do you and your spouse/partner agree on when to set limits?

It may help to talk with other adults about the limits you set for your children.  This may help you understand why you set particular limits — and whether they are best for your child.

Raising healthy kids - Zuckerman

Barry Zuckerman, MD:

“The truth is very important in this area, because children know when you’re not telling the truth and all you’re doing then is impairing your ability to communicate with them and then they’re not going to come to you with questions.”

Ray: “I mean, an arm is an arm; a hand is a hand and suddenly a vagina becomes a pocketbook or penis’ become whistles, and you know what I mean.  And your teepee and all this kind of weird stuff.  I mean, let’s, you know, let’s be straight up.  They want to find out what the real names are, then they’re going to wonder why you’re making up all these weird names.”

Barbara: “And, as parents, um I think it’s really important that we seize those moments and be able to share with our children, not only the facts and body parts and names, but our values, what we believe in, what’s important to us and what we hope that they believe in, as well.”

Being honest with your children tells them they are worthy of respect.  Telling them the truth nurtures their self-esteem.  So, when you name their body parts, tell the truth — use the accurate names.  At first, you may feel uncomfortable but if you don’t use the correct names your child might believe that the sexual parts of the body are shameful.  And, when your child learns the correct names, he may wonder why you didn’t tell the truth.  If an elbow is called an elbow, why not call a penis a penis?  If you teach your child to use correct names for the body parts, they learn to respect their body and you become a credible source of information.

- As a child, what names did I learn for my body parts?

- When did I learn the function of the sexual parts of my body?

- How do I feel when I say the words penis, testicles, vagina, vulva aloud?

- What’s the expression on my face when I say these words?

- Am I able to use these words with my spouse or partner?

- Do I want my child to be more comfortable with these words than I am?

- If my child uses nicknames for his or her body parts, how can I encourage them to use the correct names?

- You may become more comfortable calling body parts by their accurate names if you practice saying them out loud. Watch yourself in the mirror. Does your expression suggest discomfort? As you say the words many times, does it become easier?

Raising healthy kids - Zuckerman

Barry Zuckerman, MD

“Labeling body parts, whether it’s using words like penis or vagina, not telling them that babies come from storks, but being honest with children, and that’s setting the stage for continued communication throughout adolescence.”

Most children want to know where babies come from and eventually they’ll ask.

It’s important to prepare for this important teachable moment so that you can answer your child’s questions honestly and comfortably.

Children can accept varying levels and amounts of information at different ages. For example, at three and four, children think in concrete terms. If they find out they are getting a brother or sister, they may think the baby lives somewhere else and is coming to live with their family. Others might think a baby, like a car, is “built” somewhere. That’s why you want to avoid using words like “seed” when describing sperm. Children may think that mommy has a flower growing inside of her! Remember, the goal is to educate your child — to tell the truth. It may help to use books when teaching your children how babies are made.

- What words would I use to describe how babies are made so my child understand how babies “get in” and “get out.”

- How can I convey to my child that there are ways to prevent pregnancy?

- What will I say if my child asks me about adoption?

- What will I say if my child asks me about abortion?

- Do I look for opportunities to give my child information about sexuality?

“One very nice way to communicate with your children is using what we call a teachable moment.”

An ideal way to teach a child, to share information and values, is through a teachable moment.  Perhaps your child asks a question. “Where do babies come from?”  ”Mommy, why is your tummy getting fat?”  ”Mommy, why don’t I have a penis?”  Other times, you can take advantage of a situation to create a teachable moment.

The family dog has puppies.

A neighbor has a baby.

A character on television doesn’t treat someone with respect.

A Gay couple moves in next door.

Your daughter says, ‘I can’t do that, I’m a girl.’

Children may not ask questions about every subject, so it’s important that you make a commitment to teach them. You can initiate a discussion about a topic by asking your child what they think about it.

If your child asks a question and it’s not the right time or place to answer — such as in the check-out counter at the grocery store — you can say “That’s an important question. Let’s talk about that as soon as we get into the car.” Or, “That’s an important question. Let’s talk about it when we get home.” And make sure you do.

If your child asks you a question you can’t answer, suggest that you learn together by looking for the answer in a book.

If your child asks a question that you don’t feel you handle well, you can always go back to it. “You asked me where babies come from. That was a good question. I found a book (or a video) about it. Let’s sit down and look at it together.”

“One of the things I get asked frequently by parents is about self-touching. And even if they don’t ask it, when I bring it up, they are very happy I do. This is an area that they’re not sure what to think about. One thing that I tell them is that it’s common and normal. The children will touch their body parts, all of their body parts, just as they explore all aspects of their environment.”

As children explore their bodies, it is natural for them to touch their genitals. Even infants touch their genitals. It’s no different than touching any other part of their body. If you show shock or discomfort, you convey that their genitals are a shameful part of their body. Be careful to not shame your child if they touch themselves. Teach them that this behavior, just as using the bathroom, is private.

- In the video, Gloria told of how she answered her daughter’s question about masturbation. What do you like about her response?

- If my child asked me about masturbation, what would I say?

- What would I say to my child if I saw my child touching him or herself?

- What would I do if my child’s kindergarten teacher called to say my child is rubbing his or her genitals during nap time?

- Does my religious upbringing influence how I feel about self-touching?

- If you believe that discussion of masturbation is against your religious beliefs, it may help you to talk about this issue with your pastor or rabbi.

“While it’s natural for children to explore their own body it’s also important for parents to give them messages about setting limits or taking control over who might touch their body, especially the sexual parts of their body. They also need to learn that they have to give the same respect to other people.”

Children need to learn to take care of their body — to eat good foods, to exercise and to get enough sleep. When children take care of their bodies, they feel responsible for it. This helps them set limits on who touches their body. This important lesson can begin in your home and will help to protect your child for a lifetime. Public health experts remind us that: it is estimated that one out of four girls experience sexual abuse or molestation before they become adults. Also, 2/3 of pregnant and parenting teens have been molested or abused.

- How does your child take care of his or her own body?

- When friends or relatives visit, does your child ever resist showing affection?

- If your child hesitates, do you insist that they offer hugs or kisses anyway?

- When is the last time you felt uncomfortable receiving a hug or kiss from someone?

- Name three ways a child can show affection to a friend or relative, other than a hug.

- Does your child know what to do if someone tries, inappropriately, to touch them?

- Remember: It may be difficult to explain that your child doesn’t want to give someone hug.  A gentle explanation can help.  ”We are helping Johnny learn that it’s his right to decide who touches his body.  If he doesn’t want to give you a hug, please don’t take it personally.  He will, another time.  Can he just give you a high-five or say, ‘Hello’? This will help keep him safe.  Thanks for understanding.”

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